I CAN MOONWALK!
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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