im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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