News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
