i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it was like eating out sand paper
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
