the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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