I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
