you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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