Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
