I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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