it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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