I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We have so much sex to catch up on
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
