I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
