woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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