I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
