my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
