please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
