Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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