yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
