i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
