i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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