I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
