I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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