I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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