I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
