Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
