My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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