dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
