Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
