What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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