he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
