Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I lost the right to judge tonight
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
