So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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