Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
