Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
