I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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