I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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