She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
