I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
