I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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