i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
it hurts more in the daytime
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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