my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
