If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
