nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
