I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
