When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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