Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
