Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
