Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
