My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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