he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
