Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
