i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
