a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
