I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
