Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
