so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
