I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
